The Difference Between Discomfort and Self-Abandonment
You can be highly capable and still be deeply disconnected from yourself. A lot of ambitious women have learned how to keep going long after their body, emotions, and nervous system started asking them to slow down. You answer the emails. Meet the deadlines. Show up for everyone else. Keep performing. Keep producing. And eventually, resilience starts looking a lot like self-abandonment. Sometimes you do not even realize how disconnected you have become until your body forces your attention. The jaw tension. The shallow breathing. The exhaustion that sleep does not fix. The inability to rest without guilt. As I said during a recent mindfulness run, “Sometimes we don't realize how fast we've been moving until we pause.” That pause matters more than most people think.
Why So Many Women Mistake Endurance for Resilience
A lot of women were praised for being dependable long before they learned how to be connected to themselves. You learned how to push through discomfort. How to keep functioning even when you were tired. How to carry pressure quietly. Somewhere along the way, endurance became your identity. But pushing through is not always resilience. Sometimes it is survival. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes it is a nervous system that has forgotten what safety feels like. One of the clearest emotional exhaustion signs is that your body starts carrying stress you no longer notice consciously. You clench your jaw without realizing it. Your shoulders stay tight all day. Your breathing becomes shallow. Rest starts feeling uncomfortable instead of restorative. In the transcript, I talked about how “we may be clenching our jaws, lifting our shoulders, holding our breath… and we think that’s natural.” For many high-achieving women, it is normal. But normal does not always mean healthy. Then comes the “should” voice. “I should be further along.” “I should be stronger.” “I should be doing more.” That voice keeps you disconnected from what you actually need. It keeps you performing instead of paying attention. Eventually, you stop asking yourself how you are doing. You only ask whether you are keeping up.
Healthy Discomfort and Self-Abandonment Are Not the Same Thing
There is a difference between discomfort and strain. A really important one. Discomfort can be part of growth. Most meaningful things in life require some level of discomfort. Difficult conversations. Leadership. Healing. Boundaries. Change. None of those things are always easy. But healthy discomfort still allows connection to yourself. As I shared in the run meditation, “Discomfort may sound like, ‘This is challenging, but I’m okay.’” You are stretched, but still aware. Tired, but still connected. Challenged, but still able to listen to yourself. Self-abandonment feels different. “Strain may sound like, ‘I am disconnected from my body and I’m just trying to force my way through this.’” That is the difference a lot of women miss in conversations about burnout vs resilience. Resilience is not endlessly overriding yourself. Resilience is knowing when to push and when to adjust. It is staying connected to yourself while moving through challenge. Healthy discomfort says, this is hard, but I can stay present. I can acknowledge what I need. I can adapt without shame. Self-abandonment says, keep going no matter what. Ignore the signal. Prove yourself. Earn your rest later. One leads to growth. The other slowly disconnects you from yourself.
How to Tell What State You’re Actually In
A lot of people do not need more pressure. They need more awareness. That starts with checking in before automatically pushing harder. First, notice your body. Your body gives you information, not judgment and not failure. Pay attention to what is happening physically. Is your jaw tight? Are your shoulders lifted? Are you breathing shallowly? Do you feel constantly wired or exhausted? Your body often speaks before your mind catches up. Second, notice your internal dialogue. Ask yourself whether you are speaking to yourself with curiosity or criticism. Are you motivated by purpose or fear? Are you trying to prove something? Pressure-driven living usually sounds urgent, rigid, and unforgiving. Awareness sounds honest. Third, ask yourself what you actually need. In the transcript, I asked runners, “What does my body need from this run today?” That question applies far beyond running. Maybe you need rest. Maybe you need support. Maybe you need boundaries. Maybe you need to stop judging yourself every second of the day. Sometimes the answer is honestly, “I don’t know yet.” That is okay too. Finally, return instead of trying to perfect yourself. Mindfulness is not about having a perfectly quiet mind. It is about noticing when you drift and gently coming back. Back to your breath. Back to your body. Back to the present moment. As I shared, “That is mindfulness in motion. Not perfect focus. Just returning over and over again.” That is how self-trust gets built. Not through dramatic breakthroughs. Through repeated moments of paying attention.
Resilience Without Self-Abandonment
Real resilience is not just about enduring more. It is about learning how to stay connected to yourself while you keep moving. That may mean slowing down sometimes. Adjusting expectations. Asking for help. Choosing rest before your body forces it. Listening to yourself is not weakness. It is maturity. It is wisdom. It is stewardship of the life and body you have been given. I think a lot of women have spent years believing they have to earn rest by breaking themselves first. You do not. You are allowed to pay attention to what you need even while you continue building, leading, caring, and showing up. That is not quitting. That is self-trust. As I said in the meditation, “Learning how to keep going without abandoning yourself in the process.” That is resilience too.
Let the Run Be Information, Not Judgment
Your body and emotions are not inconveniences to push past. They are information. So before you automatically push harder this week, pause long enough to ask yourself what is actually going on underneath the pressure. Check in before you check out. Listen before you force. Remember that showing up imperfectly still counts. If you are realizing how often you’ve had to disconnect from yourself just to keep functioning, you do not have to navigate that alone. Spero Psychological Services’ Leading From Within work is designed to help high-achieving women lead, grow, and move through life without abandoning themselves in the process.
If this resonates, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Explore more reflections on leading from a grounded, authentic place here:
